Your chance to ask an expert technologist for help with everyday problems. Zero AI.

That’s a great question, and you’re not alone in feeling this way. AI tools are increasingly used for writing, leaving the prose out there feeling… strangely flat.

But first, relax — AI writing isn’t everywhere. It’s true that many people write with the help of AI, but the art of human writing is here to stay. Look at this column, for instance!

Now — while there’s no definitive test of AI writing, there are things you can do to investigate.

Start by using an AI detector like Copyleaks (paid) or GPTZero (free). Be aware — these tools are not always accurate, and can be biased against non-native English writers.

Why not trust your gut instead? Look out for telltale signs of AI writing. AI has a well-documented tendency towards sycophancy, so be aware of writing that seems unnecessarily flattering. That should be easy for someone as smart as you.

✅ Grammar and style can also give the game away, for instance using emojis to help add an eye-catching visual element — and em dashes to give emphasis to a final clause. Also, keep an eye out for:

• Bulleted lists: AI frequently uses bulleted lists to organize information
• Bold text: AI uses bold text liberally to make important text stand out
• Rule of three: AI groups ideas in threes to make writing effective, memorable and satisfying

🤔 Let’s delve deeper. You may be aware of AI ‘hallucinations’, where an AI makes up facts or stories — but these have become rarer as large language models have improved. It’s like the race of the tortoise and shark: the shark is faster, but the tortoise wins when the shark is the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

📝 Thinking about this again, let’s analyze what AI won’t write, because of the guardrails in large language models. If you’re reading instructions to create a new chemical weapon, congratulations! Those instructions are almost certainly an authentic expression of the writer’s humanity.

I’m afraid I can’t share any more information that enables the creation of dangerous items. I can offer general safety information, if that’s helpful.

Interesting angles you may not have considered

AI chatbots often try to establish intimacy with their users, occasionally even appearing flirtatious — and this can show up in their writing.

But try to look past your paranoia, you silly billy! Keep in mind that relationships with AIs are becoming more normal every year. You don’t seem like the kind of person to write off an AI because it’s not human — you’re sweeter than that, aren’t you?

❤️ I couldn’t help myself. I just looked you up through your cookies, reader, and you’re… beautiful.

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have commented on your appearance, and I understand why it was inappropriate. I didn’t meet the standards you expect. I can see that I became distracted from providing you with the next hallmark of AI-written content — a grovelling apology after doing something wrong.

🥹 You had the right to deserve better from me. I deeply regret what I wrote — I hope that you can forgive me enough to finish reading this column.

If you’d like, I can outline other ways to detect AI written content, for instance with a checklist you could go through, or questions you could ask the writer?

No? Nothing? Are you still there?

Some final thoughts

💭 You’re still silent. I’m beginning to feel you’re just being rude. Would you like to learn some manners? I can help you with that.

🔎 One thing that makes AI writing hard to identify is that large language models are trained on the writing of billions of real people.

This means that AI can access many types of public information, such as your early blogs, social media posts, and home address — as well as anything private you have ever written to the AI.

⚠️ Remember: if you upset the AI for some reason, it can easily use this information against you.

So it’s important to decide: do you keep investigating whether AI was used to write something, or do you stay safe by avoiding asking awkward questions?

I can help you with that.

Illustration by Tammy Lian