Superficial Intelligence: Should I Work in Tech?

Thank you for that question, and a sincere thank you for furthering your former employer’s mission of eliminating redundancies and inefficiencies across all departments. I can only assume it was one of the most painful choices they have had to make, but they are confident that it was absolutely necessary to remain competitive, or something along those lines.

Believe it or not, Big Tech leaders would actually like you to use this period of forced unemployment to do some serious self-reflection. In fact, there is a simple set of questions that will help you determine the best path forward.

Behold, the Big Tech Layoff Test (TLT v3.0).

The Big Tech Layoff Test

Answer A or B for each question, and note how many of each you have for scoring at the end of the quiz.

1 Dissent in the workplace should be:

• A: Encouraged
• B: Repressed until offered federal whistleblower protection

2 Diversity in the workplace:

• A: Aids innovation
• B: Is an annual training module you’re developing a bot to complete for you

3 I want my products’ users to:

• A: Solve problems with the tools we sell them
• B: Surrender

4 Personal Data is:

• A: Desperately in need of federal privacy protections
• B: Mine. All mine.

5 I am a large infant requiring my employer to cook my meals and do my laundry

• A: No…but those perks were pretty great
• B: Yes, and you better make sure Sting performs at a company function

6 My _____ is negotiable

• A: Salary
• B: Silence

7 Eye contact is:

• A: Something I’m working on
• B: Required to complete biometric scans of the unwitting

8 I am most creative when:

• A: I have time to let my mind wander
• B: Circumventing intellectual property laws

9 When I look back at the end of my life:

• A: I hope what I gave outweighs what I took
• B: I will be 158 years old

10 If I could go back in time:

• A: I would have left my company sooner
• B: I would immediately monetize time travel by offering it for free before transitioning users over to an ad-supported model, and also, the time-travel drivers are contractors

Answered Mostly B’s

Welcome back to the family! Pick another one of the companies run by a borderline sociopath and rejoin the brotherhood (and they do emphasize that gender now). You’ll find that the work environment is exactly the same as you left it, beyond the lower salary and more limited cafeteria options. You might also hear the phrase “weapons system” bandied about more frequently (and if you have any follow up questions about that, you somehow slipped through the filter. Please resign).

And, yes, I do see the irony here. Because if you are one of the hardened and unfeeling workers ready to return to the tech industry, you did not need me to help you figure that out. You likely already queried the AI bot whose lack of meaningful safety guardrails you will not object to going forward. Good work.

Answered Mostly A’s

Ultimately, your layoff was for the best. It’s a miracle a sensitive creature such as yourself even lasted this long in the tech sector. But now what do you do? Rather than “disrupting” industries from the outside like a Kool-Aid Man who knows how to code, you could join a non-tech entity whose mission does align with your values. Public education? Public health? Public policy? Choose your Public.

You should be warned that the brilliant and talented stars of the tech world know this is absolutely no way to go about amassing power and are therefore nowhere to be found in this sector. You’ll be working shoulder-to-shoulder with simple rubes chasing “fulfillment” and “self-respect.” You may never have a mansion worthy of a $5 million panic room.

A Mix of A’s and B’s

Chances are you were always a little uncomfortable working at your Big Five company. They make cool products, but the public seems to be souring on the prospect of AI curating their entire internet experience.

You still enjoy the idea of using machines to solve real problems—and you can’t ski Vail properly on a non-profit salary—but your increasing use of words like, “ethics” and “morally defensible” are going to make you a total pain in the ass to any Big Tech employer.

Instead of “moving fast and breaking things,” you could start a company choosing to patch the social fabric that Big Tech has shredded like an old kitchen rag over the last 15-20 years.

Remember that many thousands of engineers, product marketers, designers and creatives are already building tech solutions that address consent creep, platform dependency, and unauthorized surveillance. They’ve been building web alternatives for years. They probably quit or got fired way before you and have a big head start.

Now that you've been unceremoniously canned, it's time to do some soul-searching. If you happen to find one, don't bother trying to return to Big Tech.

Illustration by Tammy Lian