Superficial Intelligence: Should I Get a New Phone?

Thank you for your thoughtful question.

You mentioned that you are happy with your current phone. You’ve stumbled upon a common misconception held by many otherwise dutiful consumers.

Happiness is not a binary system. It exists along a quantifiable scale, much like tornado strength, chili pepper heat, and physical beauty. While more research is required on the subject, scientists theorize that the happiness range runs from 1 to 794 (or 1 to 517.5 when converted to metric measurements). Your positive feelings toward your current phone sit somewhere along that spectrum.

Therefore, what you are really asking is: “Could I be happier?” If there is a new phone available, the answer is an unambiguous “yes.”

You mention attempting to conduct your own research on the newest devices. While I admire you taking initiative, I fear it is pointless. Are you a software developer? A hardware engineer? A UX designer? No? Then how could you possibly know what you want out of a telephone?

Ask yourself what’s better: an A19 chip or an A15 Bionic chip? A TrueDepth Camera or a CenterStage Camera? Do you even know the number of neural engines your phone currently has? No! You don’t know what any of this means, and neither do I.

Fortunately, Silicon Valley has distilled the phone-shopping process down to a simple question our brains can handle: Which number is bigger, 17 or 18? 9 or 10? Got your answer? Buy that version of the phone.

Then you will be happier.

Newer is always better. Newer will always make you happier. Ask anyone who has seen all seven Jurassic Park films–each better than the last.

Once you’ve identified the better (read: newer) device, you can confidently reallocate some of your emergency savings toward a phone capable of making you more productive, more fun, smarter, healthier, and an overall better person.

It is then your job to figure out how to actually become all those things.

Start by checking out the charging port. Does it match any of your current cables? No? Congrats, you just learned that that little wire was actually shackles holding you back from reaching your full human potential. The new one you must buy will revolutionize your life and the life of whoever finds it on the airplane seat after you inevitably leave it behind.

Your old phone probably didn’t have many AI features. Good thing you’ve now got this one that definitely does! Don’t have any uses for these AI features? Time to find some, for the sake of your own productivity and the global economy.

And—oh, what’s this? This phone is lavender! Black, white, and silver exteriors never bothered you over the past fifteen years, but perhaps that means you weren’t practicing enough self-care. Soak in the beauty of its floral hue quickly, because the lavender exterior will soon be covered by the new protective case you’re still required to buy separately. The Wirecutter-recommended case is only available in black. Ignore at your peril.

Repeat this discovery process until you have identified every new feature that makes this phone different, and therefore better, than the previous one.*

If at any moment you doubt that the latest features are actually making you happier, just remember that hundreds of people were collectively paid millions upon millions of dollars to come up with them. The least you can do is pretend to be grateful.

Lastly, don’t be fooled into thinking the text messaging app—which is 80% of what you use

your phone for—looks and functions exactly the same as the old one. It’s a new version. Thus, it is better, and it will make you happier. You just have to keep entering words in the chat until one of them triggers a birthday balloon animation. Using this in conversation will make you seem fun. It will also make other people happy, assuming that’s something you care about.

In the highly unlikely event that you exhaust every possible use of this new phone and find yourself none the happier, do not fear: There will be a new model coming next year.

*Note these new features do not—and never will—include more expansive warranty coverage, stricter data privacy settings, easier-to-manage storage, or waterproofing. It is wrong for you to desire these.

Illustration by Tammy Lian